Death To Old Sayings

I hate old sayings that are no longer prevalent in today's society and that people still use them.  I can't help but wonder why they use them, and secondly, what the hell they mean most of the time.  If you are looking to prove a point, please find a better and more direct way of doing so. 

 The first instance is when you almost succeed at something, but fall short.  Someone will pop in with a cute little saying, "Close, but no cigar."  I'm sorry, was there a time that I'm unaware of that cigars were being handed out for all of life's little victories?  Were you then, on the other hand, taunted with them after all of life's failures?  Either way, it doesn't matter.  I'm not allowed to smoke anywhere, anymore, anyway.  If you are trying to smoke a victory cigar, good luck trying to find a spot more than 20ft. away from any public entrance.  You'll be smoking your stogie while playing in traffic.


Another is, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".  The meaning here is it is better to have a certainty, even if it is of lesser possible value than the bla bla bla bla bla.  I get it.  I understand it.  Do I believe it, no, its not for me.  If it was for me, I wouldn't spend so much damn money on my scratch ticket addiction.  Anyway, how about a better lesson.  Don't touch birds.  If you touch a baby bird it's mother won't feed it and it dies.  If you touch a grown bird you might as well be petting a rat.  How about we leave all the birds in the bush and leave the poor bastards alone.

Don't Put all your eggs in one basket.  I say, why not?  As long as you have a quality made basket I don't foresee any major disaster.  Also, who puts eggs in baskets anymore.  I get mine in an egg carton, 12 at a time...18 if it happens to be a good week, just like everyone else.  I get the point, but really?  Its an egg.  Who cares.  If it was a collection of Faberge Eggs or say, stem cells (something of value), yeah...spread that shit out.  We are not a nation of farmers anymore so lets get off of the farmer lingo.  This leads me to my next point.

Don't count all your chickens before they hatch.  I personally don't know the ratio of chickens that survive until hatching vs. those who do not.  I really am not that concerned.  I can go to the store and get chicken of all different sizes, probably already marinated.  I get the lesson behind it, but times are a changing.  Is it me or were people pessimistic as shit back in the day.

Hold your horses!!!  I don't own a horse and I have a bias against people that do.  If you own a horse, you are rich and we most likely live very different types of lives.  It is safe to assume I don't like you, mostly from a jealousy standpoint.  

Speaking of horses, don't beat a dead horse?  I don't want to beat a live horse or touch a dead one.

I'm not transporting straw by way of camel's back and I have made promises not to leave a fox in a hen house.  I stopped throwing stones and buying houses made of glass.  I've tightened my lips as to prevent ships from sinking.  I no longer leave things under stones so we can stop turning them all over (Who puts their belongings under stones?)