He might as well be saying these things?

I LOVE WHEN A CHIMP SMOKES CARDBOARD CINNAMON!!!!!!

Honesty...HONESTLY?

Years ago while I was in my earlier twenties a girl once told me that, "Girls just want a guy to be honest."  I still chuckle to this day at the absurdity of the comment.  I've always considered my self to be an honest guy.  The truth behind that statement is that I'm 'honest enough'.  That means I am honest enough to keep myself out of trouble while doing nothing wrong in the first place.  Girls think that they want to know the truth, but they don't.  You couldn't handle it, nor could any successful relationship.  There is a whole part of the male psyche, which makes up about 95% of how we operate, that you can't, nay, mustn't know the details of.  Hiding the full truth of what goes on in our brains is the only way to maintain anything of substance.  She is not prettier than you, you are not being bat-shit crazy, and that does not make your ass look fat...or does it?  Do you want it to make your ass look fat?  Then it does, it definitely does.  You want honesty, but you don't, because that is when we end a relationship.

"I need to be HONEST with you...."

Even after we say that, there is a good chance that that the next thing you hear will be a lie.  Sometimes we do tell the truth because you aren't asking the right questions.  I girl I was "seeing" back in the day asked me if I had slept with anyone else while we had been "together".  I told her the truth.  The answer was no.  100% honestly, EN - OH, NO.  She just wasn't asking the right question.  She didn't ask if I had been trying to...I was just unsuccessfully up to that point.

The first few months of any good relationship is all of us (men & women) lying about how messed up we all are.  We stick with as many simple little facts about ourselves and then we eventually run out of small talk.  Then, and only then do we delve into who we really are.  Below are two examples of how many first dates would go if everyone would just cut the shit and be honest from the get go.

NOT SO FUN-RUN

 

Can we stop using the term 'fun-run' please?  Personally, 'run so your fat ass doesn't have a heart attack or stroke out on loved ones' has more of an impact.  Here are three things I will  never do.

1. Smoke Crack
2. Purposely smash my man-bag with a sledge hammer
3. describe any form of running any particular distance as 'fun'
 
If running was fun there would be treadmills in bars.  I've never been out on a Saturday night and overheard someone say, "Shit, they don't have anything to run on in here!"  Darts, drinks, pool, live bands, bags, or a 5K run...HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, WHAT TO DO?  If running was fun there would be no D.U.I.'s because we would all just run home from the bar.

Fortune Cookies

O.K.  You sit down with 9 different white boxes of Chinese food in front of you prepared to binge on your favorite Asian 'delicacies'.  The meal isn't over when you're full.  The meal isn't over until you hate yourself (as one of my favorite comedians Louis C.K. points out).  Even when you are done and the hatred for yourself is penetrating your soul, you still have one little treat left...the Fortune Cookie!!!

 This is where the meal drops the ball.  The taste is, mehh.  If they were really that good we would all be searching the grocery isles for packages of this tasteless treat.  Have you ever been to someone's house and seen boxes of fortune cookies in the pantry...NO!!!  People don't want them for the taste or the nutrition value, which both seem to be comparable to a cardboard box.  People love fortune cookies for the fortune within.  Sadly the vagueness of the 'truth' that the cookie holds leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth, as well as a bad taste in your mouth.  Every now an then you get a good fortune that becomes funny only when you add 'in bed' at the end of it.
                                   
I say, fuck being vague.  Better to shoot for the moon and miss, than to aim for the gutter and hit it.  What I'm saying is, go for the big win.  So what if it doesn't apply to 99% of the population.  Imagine a 'Jeremy' is dating 'Samantha'.  At the end of their gorging on fried rice and various meats on a stick they go for the fortune cookies.  Jeremy opens his to read, 'Samantha is cheating on you John...with your brother Jacob'.  Maybe then Samantha opens hers to read, 'Jeremy is on to you...cease all communication with Jacob'.  To me, all the failures would be worth it to mind fuck someone just once.